Why I Should’ve “Fell Back” as a Stepmom

When I was 23, I started dating a man who was the father of a two-year-old boy. I was young, way too young to be a mother myself. Motherhood was a million miles away from my galaxy. I was in college, living with my grandparents in East L.A. I was still scrounging up money for the next concert, making sure I had $20 for dollar drink night at the clerb, lining up all of my Vans sneakers in the closet like it was my job.

My first real introduction to this little boy happened one night when my boyfriend needed to drop off his truck at his mother’s house. Can he ride with you in your car? You can follow me. With big eyes, I looked at him and then looked down at the little round-headed boy standing at the curb, holding his father’s hand. I nodded my head yes. I watched as he strapped his son’s car seat into my backseat, the place where I would toss my art supplies, my backpack, my combat boots, the place where we used to pass out from too many bong rips and too much alcohol, the place where my boyfriend and I reclined our seats back and feverishly made out, the steady hum of the 10 freeway off in the distance beyond the fogged up windows.

I looked at the little round-headed boy in my rearview mirror nervously. He was adorable but unpredictable, just like any two year-0ld. I was afraid he would freak out the minute he lost sight of his daddy. What if he starts crying?  Then what? I talked to him in a friendly, sing-song voice, like your daddy is right there, Mikey. Do you see him? Do you see him?! I had some experience with small children because I had a little brother not much older than him but still, I couldn’t get to our destination fast enough.

Little did I know just how much time I’d be spending with him. Many of our dates consisted of taking him to the park, to art shows and on long hikes. I’d often sit with googly eyes and watch my boyfriend be a daddy, making sure his son ate his broccoli and taking him a bath at night. When my boyfriend worked and he needed a babysitter, I was right there cuddling on the sofa bed watching PeeWee Herman on VHS with Mikey. When we got married a year later, I was already seven months pregnant with our first child so sliding into the role of stepmommy was easy and natural.

Or so I thought.

I recently watched the new motherhood series Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith and they talked about motherhood and blended families. This has always been a tender subject for me. Can I tell you I did not have the best interactions with my stepson’s mother? It was rough. All these years later — my stepson is 24 now and a father of two — taking a look back at that time in my life was definitely bittersweet. Jada had the opportunity to sit down with Will’s first wife Sheree and discuss how they worked together. Right off the bat, Jada said something that resonated deeply with me.

“Because I did not understand marriage…I didn’t understand divorce, I will say that I probably should’ve fell back.”

Wow. Yes. Truer words have never been spoken.

Fall Back

When you’re young, eager, ignorant…you do the best with the tools you have but yes, a hundred times yes, I should have fallen back. Like Jada, I didn’t understand the need for their relationship to unwind. I stepped in fairly quickly and in the process, I was insensitive to a lot of things. I had that well, I’m the one he married mindset and let’s face it, that’s a shitty attitude to have when you are trying to co-mother with someone. I see that now. Yeesh.

Let Him Be the Parent

Another way I should’ve fallen back was to allow my ex to parent on his own. From the jump, I assumed the role of trying to help him care for his little boy in lots of big and small ways. As someone who was madly in love and wore this shiny new “wifey” badge with pride, I didn’t think there was anything amiss with taking those things on. The Church assured me I was right in being a helpmate too. What I did not foresee was how I automatically assumed an avalanche of emotional labor and it set a precedent for the bulk of our relationship. To be honest, it all seemed normal because it’s just what women do. My Nana, my tías, my Mama — they all carried the bulk of the emotional labor for the family.

It’s a beautiful thing to help your spouse (caring for his son like he was my own was one thing my ex always praised me for) but at the end of the day, that was his child. Helping is good and right but I should’ve let him step up to the plate more. Maybe he would be a more involved parent now. Maybe I wouldn’t have stepped on anyone’s toes. Maybe this blended family situation would have been more peaceful.

Working Out Our Own Issues

Looking back, I think I went hard with the stepmothering because I was trying to heal myself in some way too. I didn’t want Mikey to feel unwanted or out of place. I wanted him to feel like he belonged. This was a struggle for me as a kid — I had a “new dad” in one house and a “new mom” in the other. I had “new siblings”, too. Nothing felt familiar anymore and when you’re a kid with limited tools to process things, it’s rough. I think I subconsciously worked through those feelings by creating a warm place for Mikey to come to every other weekend because it was something I needed as a kid. I don’t regret a single thing I did or all the love I poured into him because now my kids are reaping the benefits with a close relationship with their oldest brother. And I get to kiss and cuddle his two babies when they come to visit. That’s a beautiful thing.

Red Table Talk

I watched the first episode of Red Table Talk with tears in my eyes. Oh, so that’s what it looks like for two grown ass women to work together? For years I yearned to resolve the tension between us all but it only seemed to escalate as Mikey got older. By that time, I was juggling my own six kids and had to detach myself from some of the struggles to keep my head above water. Still, it was really therapeutic to see Jada and Sheree remember how it was in the beginning and how they tried their best to put their child’s needs first.

It’s hella commendable and definitely a subject that needs some upacking. I’ll be tuning in next week, too. Will you?

You can watch the first episode here: